MUM GUILT
The Cleveland Clinic, a non-profit academic medical centre, defines “mum guilt” as the name given to the feelings of guilt and shame some people feel when they do not live up to their own or others’ expectations in their role as a parent – an internal dialogue that tells you that you are failing as a caregiver.
It is unsurprising, especially in this age of social media where “it mums” seem to juggle work, motherhood and marriage with such glamour and aplomb. Sure, we all know that the Insta-life comes with a whole bunch of literal and figurative filters, but it is hard to not be one part wistful, one part envious, and two parts feeling like we could and should do better.
Indeed, 80 per cent of mothers in Singapore who have children of all ages grapple with “mum guilt”, according to a 2019 survey by Focus on the Family Singapore.
Suffice to say, that is a lot of mothers having a lot of guilt. A lot of the time.
Debbie Mandel, author of Addicted to Stress, notes that the root of mum guilt lies in generational teachings – our belief that we must ensure everyone’s happiness, often at the expense of our individuality. This sense of duty often leads to guilt-driven overworking on the mum front, where we feel responsible for everyone and everything.
The myth of do-it-all motherhood persists, romanticised in movies and exaggerated on social media, to our collective detriment.
Working mums, especially, often feel that they are not enough at work, and not enough at home. Consider how you’d advise a friend – you’d never think that she is not doing enough.
This reflection on self-compassion introduces a needful and pivotal shift from the guilt narrative to one of understanding and kindness towards oneself.
As Dr Fock Ee-Ling, trained scientist, owner of homegrown fashion brand The Missing Piece and mother of three, told me: “Motherhood is a journey of love, not perfection … Sometimes the best gift I can give my kids is a happy, fulfilled me.”
Cherie Tseng is Chief Operations Officer at a local fintech company, a mother of three and editor with The Birthday Collective.