Mrs SL was not convinced by his denials — and his subsequent actions would further erode her trust, such as staying at a hotel with his mistress the Friday after receiving his pay.
“When I called (the woman) to confront her, her friend picked up my call and said to let go of my husband because ‘they are so in love’.
“You know how incensed I was? It’s one thing to be cheated on but another for them to be so brazen about it and have the support of others who don’t even know me,” she said.
It took her over a year for Mrs SL to move on after divorcing her husband — but not before turning to alcohol to lessen the pain.
“When I hit rock bottom, I was drinking scotch straight out of the bottle… the drinking slowed down drastically only because my renovation contractor told me I drank too much that my eyes were yellow,” she said, adding that this was after the divorce.
Mrs SL, who is now 41 and has no children, tied the knot with her current husband in 2014.
“I am more protective of myself… I don’t let myself suffer in silence anymore,” she said.
For Ms Smith, getting a good night’s rest was often a struggle in the first few months after finding out about her husband’s affair. Racing thoughts would keep her awake, as she wondered why their relationship soured.
“My emotions were all over the place. I was crying every day, and I couldn’t talk to anyone because I was too embarrassed to share that my husband cheated on me,” she said.
“I was embarrassed because my friends like me for who I am; a strong and independent person. But during that time, that was not who I was.”
Her parents were also not in Singapore, and she was afraid of distressing her elderly parents with the news.
Another woman in her 20s, who declined to be named, said discovering her partner’s infidelity was the “worst pain I’ve ever felt”.
“I wouldn’t wish this upon my worst enemies,” she said. Having been just a year since she discovered the affair, she did not wish to go into further details but is currently seeking psychiatric help to slowly heal.
“It’s hard to trust people or really talk about it because it’s so raw … all the emotions and time I devoted to him just came crashing down because of his actions.”
WHAT A THIRD PARTY AND THE CHILD OF A CHEATER WENT THROUGH
For Sam (not his real name), his father’s infidelity made him “grow up incredibly quickly”.
“From the age of like 12 or 13, I was mediating tensions and arguments between my parents,” Sam, who is now in his 20s, told TODAY.
When he was 11 years old, he discovered that his father was in an affair through an email from his mistress. When he informed his mother, he found out the family, except for him, had known about it.
Soon, his father would spend three days a week with his mistress, which caused his parents to get into fights.
“It felt like he was literally part-timing as my dad, and part-timing as someone else’s husband,” said Sam, adding that it had been an odd compromise “in hindsight”.
“My mother obviously fell into a very depressive and anxious state, so she never really parented me. That contributed to me growing up quickly and parenting myself, my brother and my mum.”
It was when his parents divorced while he was in junior college that he discovered that his father also had another wife overseas with whom he has two children.
While Sam is open to telling others, his mother takes her former husband’s infidelity as shameful and would get upset when Sam confides in others.
She sees her former husband’s affairs as something she caused, and also fears others judging her family.
Sam told TODAY that his mother still struggles with depression and anxiety from the ordeal.
“To this day, I feel like her primary caretaker. Caretaker exhaustion is real, and I get it whenever she has flare-ups, temper tantrums and episodes,” he said.
“Some days I wish to be the one who gets to throw the tantrum and rant to my mum or dad, but I have not had that chance since I was 12.”
Navigating tensions daily while young has made him a strong communicator, more independent and clear about his boundaries, but it has also shaped him to be “stubborn, prideful and sensitive to criticism”.
He would seek partners who are more mature and senior, and even though they treat him poorly and often ignore his concerns, he would try to make the relationship work.
While people tend to blame third parties in a relationship for ruining marriages, one such person who hooked up with a married colleague said that the experience can also be difficult for the third party.
When Kristie (not her real name) was in her 20s and single, she got to know an office colleague around her age better over various dinners and “meaningful conversations”.
The duo shared similar interests and outlook in life, leading them to develop feelings for each other.
“We both felt we were soulmates who met each other at the wrong time,” she said.
“We both consciously decided to get into a relationship. Of course we knew it was wrong, but some days we tried to justify it.”
They would say that he and his wife were too different, his wife was toxic or the couple had tied the knot too young. While Kristie and her partner both felt their actions were wrong, they chose to “sweep all this under the carpet”.
While Kristie’s closest friends disapproved of the relationship at first, she said that they eventually acknowledged that the two were a “great match for each other”, and urged the man to decide between the two women in order to be fair to all the parties involved.
About six months into the relationship, Kristie and the man parted ways as they both realised that the relationship could not progress as he did not want to divorce his wife.
He later had a daughter with his wife, who is still unaware of his infidelity.
“Some people spoke about the thrill of having affairs. I think for the both of us, it was extremely miserable and stressful,” said Kristie, who is now in her 30s.
While Kristie knew the relationship was wrong — not only to him and his wife, but also to herself — she told TODAY she did not regret it.
“I am who I am today because of my past and my experiences, this relationship included. It made me a better person, in that I now have a stronger sense of self-worth,” she said.
“I think it triggered me to look deeper into myself, made me realise that I was throwing myself into a relationship with a guy who was unavailable on all levels — physically, emotionally — because I had unresolved personal issues,” she said, declining to share what these issues were.
“This realisation has been a catalyst for a significant amount of self-growth since the end of that relationship. And I don’t regret the relationship because at the end of it all I truly loved him.”
STRESS, TRAUMA CAUSED BY INFIDELITY
The impact that infidelity has on spouses can be long-term and traumatic, marriage and relationship counsellors told TODAY.
Ms Theresa Pong, founder of counselling firm The Relationship Room, said the broken trust between the partners can result in them spiralling into a cycle of causing hurt to one another.
The injured partner, who goes through a process called betrayal trauma, experiences symptoms such as anxiety, depression, hyper-vigilance and fear, she said.
“This would manifest as constant interrogation of the infidelity act on the offending party,” she added.
“As the offending party does not know how to manage such behaviour, it would result in reactive conflicts that lead to even more emotional injuries to the primary relationship.”
Some may also develop post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, chronic anxiety and mistrust of others for a long-time after the event, added Mr John Lim, chief well-being officer at Singapore Counselling Centre.
The impact of intense conflicts between couples grappling with infidelity issues can also shape a negative perception of marriage and relationships among their children, or cause them to feel unsafe in their own home.
“For young adults, although they may appear to be mature enough to process these negative emotions and thoughts, some may still resort to unhealthy coping mechanisms,” he said.
“For younger children in primary school or secondary school, they may feel resentment toward their parents, but may have difficulty making sense of such complex emotions.”